It's almost a new year...finally! New beginnings. I love new beginnings. I don't really have any "resolutions", as I am always working on improving me, but I am going to vow and do a damn good job this year of putting myself first (apart from my girls, of course). In 2011 I did a damn good job of not doing that, so this year is mine.
This year has been rough for me. I made some really terrible choices since almost the beginning of the year that I am actually still paying for. The thing about mistakes though, is that they give us the opportunity to learn with each one we make. I, for one, am not proud of MANY of the things I have done this year. I hurt myself, my children, my family, and everyone else involved. I want to be more cognizant of my choices. I know if I keep my mental well being in mind, it should be simple, right? In theory, anyway.
I decided to blog more, even though at this very moment, I don't really have many things to say. I am working, I'm going to school, and I'm mothering. That's kind of my life these days. I'm not much into partying anymore, and starting next week I am working out again and eating properly. It just so happens that those things are happening on Monday, January 1st, but it wasn't planned that way. I just decided to step on the scale after not weighing myself in forever and realized that I had gained a good 7 pounds. Not good. I could feel myself gaining weight, and my face looked fuller, so I decided what the hell...let's just weight myself. Well, I am most certainly glad I did before I turn into a whale one piece of chocolate at a time! Ugh, I hate that. BUT, since weighing myself the day before Christmas I cut back on my sweets and have managed to lose about 3 solid pounds. Not so bad. Rambling now...LOL
Anyway, yeah, I'm going to try to blog a couple times a week at least. We will see how that goes when school starts back up next week...aye aye aye.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Well...
I decided to start writing again for several reasons: A) I feel like I need to vent to someone, even if it's to myself. It at least feels like someone's listening if I'm writing it down, right? B) I am agitated today. And, C) What better way to occupy my lonely, boring nights than rambling on and on about things that most of the world doesn't give a fuck about. And I guess I also feel the need to be honest in a raw sort of way at times. Again, even if I'm the only one reading this. I do matter. That's part of my New Year's Eve Mantra anyway :)
So, let's start with today's agitation: Dave. Wow..I bet if anyone knows me this sounds like a disc that keeps on skipping to the same thing. The thing is that I am ridiculously forgiving. I don't give people 2nd chances; I give people 2 million chances. I have a forgiving spirit. I suppose that's sometimes a good thing, but when it comes to Dave, it most certainly is not. I'm so fed up with him treating my daughter is though she's a burden. Whether he says it that way or not, it's all in his actions. Today I text him to see if he wants to keep Layla overnight. His response, "Sorry just woke up. Met with band last night that I'm filming 2day. Going over there set and where I need to be type stuff. Can't get her. Wish Icould. Just too short notice and I gotta gig to set up and shoot. Give her a kiss for me." First of all, he responded to my text at 2:30 in the afternoon. I'm just so sick of him acting like Layla is an option. I see my nephew more than he sees his own daughter. Am I the only person who sees a problem with this?! I just wish I could turn back time. I'd love to keep my Layla and just have her never know that Dave is her biological father. Or, better yet, have her not really be his child at all. I just wish he knew what it was like to not only be a parent, but to be a parent of a special needs child. Not once has he woken up with her in the middle of night. Not once has he taken her to a doctor's appointment. Never has he met with her teachers, let alone actually take her or pick her up from school. Maybe this is a test for me. I know it makes me a better person, but it's fucking exhausting.
So, let's start with today's agitation: Dave. Wow..I bet if anyone knows me this sounds like a disc that keeps on skipping to the same thing. The thing is that I am ridiculously forgiving. I don't give people 2nd chances; I give people 2 million chances. I have a forgiving spirit. I suppose that's sometimes a good thing, but when it comes to Dave, it most certainly is not. I'm so fed up with him treating my daughter is though she's a burden. Whether he says it that way or not, it's all in his actions. Today I text him to see if he wants to keep Layla overnight. His response, "Sorry just woke up. Met with band last night that I'm filming 2day. Going over there set and where I need to be type stuff. Can't get her. Wish Icould. Just too short notice and I gotta gig to set up and shoot. Give her a kiss for me." First of all, he responded to my text at 2:30 in the afternoon. I'm just so sick of him acting like Layla is an option. I see my nephew more than he sees his own daughter. Am I the only person who sees a problem with this?! I just wish I could turn back time. I'd love to keep my Layla and just have her never know that Dave is her biological father. Or, better yet, have her not really be his child at all. I just wish he knew what it was like to not only be a parent, but to be a parent of a special needs child. Not once has he woken up with her in the middle of night. Not once has he taken her to a doctor's appointment. Never has he met with her teachers, let alone actually take her or pick her up from school. Maybe this is a test for me. I know it makes me a better person, but it's fucking exhausting.
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